I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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