YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
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