i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
