On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
