I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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