he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
