I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
my liver is dry heaving
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
