You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
