i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
