hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I think I just sharted jello shots
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
