Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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