Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
