Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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