I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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