My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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