I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
