All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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