he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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