you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
