Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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