Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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