I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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