i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
