I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
