I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
