Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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