I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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