No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
