I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I think your dad took our porno
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
