8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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