got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
