I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
