actually, I'm a sock model
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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