do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
