You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Randomize
