My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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