call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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