You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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