Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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