I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
