We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
