i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
