Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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