I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
