I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
