I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
