he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
