Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
