and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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