I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
