I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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