Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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