oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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