it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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