bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
