he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
